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"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Five years, 250 books, and many insightful experiences later...I am writing a book. After a personal low...came a personal high...and now, an appreciation for both. I feel driven to share what I have learned and experienced to be true, as a way to help others. The book is about feeling good (or better) - body, mind, and soul. It offers suggestions on ways to find and keep that spark within. A compilation of facts, tips, and insights to help you feel and be your best.

"You first become a writer by learning to love reading."

-Mitch Albom

The idea came to me through my husband. He was teasing me about my avid reading and suggested that I write a book. His words rang true within me...and I thank him for that. The book is quite an undertaking and is well over half-written. If I could escape to a secluded cottage and bring along a supply of full-strength coffee, it would be completed in no time at all! But there is this thing called life...and another called fear...and yet, another called right timing...

" ~ Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly. ~ "

-Proverb

Since my "baby doll" days, I have always known that I'd be a mom - and that felt comforting. Now, I am a mom, and one who has chosen to be "at home." I never wanted someone else in my house taking care of my children, and I always wanted my children in their own home. I felt that my children were my responsibility to take care of, yet often neglecting the financial responsibility that children bring. 

I had my first child before I began a career. Soon after he was born, I was offered a steady full-time job that would have utilized my degree. Already in the "mom" mode, being at home with him, took precedent. For whatever reasons, I did not feel I could be a "good" mom and work full-time. Today, I am thankful that I did not get "caught" in that type of work, as I most likely would not be on the path that I am now on. Often, I am reminded that this is NOT the 1950's, and that most moms DO work. Choosing that balance and giving up control over my children and household has always been an issue of mine. I've always thought that in the end, I'd rather regret not having a career versus not being available for my kids. 

"Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest other people spend it for you."

-Carl Sandburg

From about the age of ten, my mom went back to work, and I felt very alone. In retrospect, I probably would have felt alone either way  - I can be hard to understand. And now, I actually love to be alone - I find it to be peaceful and healing. At the time, I thought I needed something different, but probably not. Maybe due to my own "supposed" past need, I made a commitment to myself that I would always be home and available for my kids, if needed - a trap I set for myself. 

Being a full-time mom is work, regardless of the ages of the children. In our society and times, this is often overlooked. What is "enough?" What is really important? The answers will vary depending upon priorities.

"I've been afraid of changing...because I built my life around you... But time makes you bolder...even children get older...and I'm getting older too..."

-Stevie Nicks, Landslide

Time has flown by, and honestly, I am well aware of my age, college degree, job status, and the fact that my two oldest children are nearing college. If I think too hard about this, I am sure I could send  myself into a full-blown panic attack. This career sacrifice of mine, though, is hardly ever complimented - it's much easier to criticize and condemn. 

I know and see moms that work, and quite frankly, I wonder how they do it all, and at what expense? What vitamins are they taking? It seems to me that the happiest working moms are the ones who either work part-time at a job they love or they make enough money to make life easier and more fun - or both. Over all, it seems that women who make themselves a priority, are the happiest. 

Maybe it's just me. I've never been good at multitasking...and isn't that the ultimate "practical" definition of motherhood? Being a mom has been the most rewarding thing in my life -  yet it is challenging and can overwhelm me. Every day is the same...yet every day is so different. 

I do not think there is a concrete "right" or "wrong" way when it comes to choosing to be a stay-at-home mom, part-time working mom, or full-time working mom. Every woman, every family, and every situation is different. No mom should be told she is wrong for her decision. We all choose what we feel is best, even when we are unsure.

"You have to let go of the fear and focus on where you want to go - not where you're afraid you might end up."

-John C. Reilly

In an attempt to feel balanced and grounded amongst the normal chaos a family brings, I have come to rely on organization, routine schedules, and tidiness. Actually, at times, I think I may be trying to "compensate" for my lack of compensation. I easily exhaust myself running in circles trying to keep the house perfect, while "waiting" on others. There have been times when I purposely will not leave my house, so that I do not have to deal with the mess when I return. But, if I am to ever work, then I will have to learn to adjust and be flexible. There are also many things that I do for my family members, that they could easily do for themselves. Everyone will have to pitch in, while my housekeeping standards will most likely have to be lowered.

Sometimes, I feel there is no winning way. Hearing how we could "have" or "do" certain things if I worked, yet being judged when I am actually taking the time to write or questioned when I am not available. This is somewhat understandable, as people often only feel things are worthy if they are instantly bringing in money. It is hard for some to respect work that has no guarantee. I can't blame my husband or kids for assuming that I will be available for them - that is what they are used to - that is what I have chosen.

"Mistakes are part of the dues that one pays for a full life."

-Sophia Loren

I've spent most of my life trying to do the "right" thing, and ironically, usually ended up doing the "wrong" thing (or so I have thought). Able to equally see both sides of the coin, has led to much indecisiveness. Instead of asking myself what I wanted, I'd ask myself what I'd least regret. Instead of basing my decisions on my own thoughts and feelings, I'd turn to others for their opinion and approval. I've attracted many people who are eager to help me make my decisions for me - with the scales tipped in their favor or based on their beliefs.

"Achievement is connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They may make mistakes, but they don't quit."
-Conrad Hilton

Making "so-called" mistakes seems to bother me more than most. My relentless inner critic is quite keen, and has spent much time ruminating my actions in life. I love constructive criticism, yet my hypersensitivity to it may actually prevent people from sharing their opinions with me. Analyzing can be paralyzing. Seeking and waiting for approval from outside sources, will not get you very far. I've come to know that I can only depend on my inner guidance to lead me to the "right" choices for me. Remaining open to the ideas of another person, without attaching to them, now only helps me to fine tune my decisions. The perfectionist in me, along with being overly-cautious as a way to avoid "mistakes," has kept me waiting for all of my ducks to be in a row - before I really leap. Well, have you ever seen ducklings line up in a row, without first the mama duck moving forward and not looking back?

"The world is waiting for you to figure out what only you can contribute. Take as much time as you need to find the answer, and then get started on it."

-Chris Guillebeau

Many years have been spent on trying to figure out my purpose - trying to figure out what I should do for work - what I could contribute to our world. Something I could do that would benefit others, while bringing joy to myself and my family. Though the long-term details are still a little fuzzy, I feel I have found my purpose - or at least, my passion. It's my nature to question and observe. This has led me to my love of gathering and sharing information. My insights tend to be a good mix of logic and intuition. Most of all, I love to see personal transformation - feeling it is bliss. From illness to wellness...anger to peace...unhappiness to happiness...stormy weather to the golden hour... Simply stated, I believe... When we feel well, we are more "in-tune" with our higher guidance - and when we are more "in-tune" with our higher guidance, we feel well, are happier, and have more to give. When we feel good on the inside, it shows on the outside. Appreciation leads to appreciation.

 "Persistence isn't about knocking on one door until the dang thing opens. It's about knocking on all the doors."

-Mike Dooley

At this point in my life, I am definitely ready, wanting, and needing to blend motherhood with some type of work. Remaining open to all opportunities, I do know  that a "sane" mom benefits and sets the tone for her household, so I'd like the work to be purposeful to me and fit into my family's schedule. The work must not take away from me more than I am receiving from it - I've been there. Joy can be found in any job. And, yes, working solely for the money does have its purpose. But over the long-haul, doesn't meaningful and heartfelt work win all-around? From what I've seen, it does.

"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."

-Alvin Toffler

My logical friends, along with my naysayers, demand to know "how" and "when" I will make money from writing. I do not know how. Maybe I won't. Money isn't my main motivator...but yes, it'd be nice. Do all the successful people ever know exactly how things will pan out? I'd bet their plan often changes and heads in many wild directions from their original thought. Success isn't only about money, right? It's a by-product of working our love and loving our work. "Giving" what you can. There is a mutual benefit. You share your talents and others respond in a positive way. To me, inner and outer happiness is success. I feel it's safe to say that many entrepreneurs don't make any money at all in the early stages. It is also safe to say that there ARE successful authors and bloggers who are stay-at-home moms. Maybe not many, but they exist. It is a possibility...even for me.

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex, overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one." 

-Mark Twain

Over the recent years, I've felt compelled to collect and organize all kinds of information related to my studies into files and documents. There has been no rhyme or reason to this. At times, this has seemed like pointless busy work, but for whatever reason, I kept on doing it. I can see that it was all necessary preparation for my writing. The writing process has been much quicker and smoother for me because of this. It all seems to make more sense to me now. One thing has led to another... Stepping stones...on my journey... 

"It's not the will to win that matters - everyone has that. It's the will to prepare to win that matters."

-Paul Bryant

This passion of mine can all to easily turn into an obsession. Maybe it's a "creativity" thing or my strong desire to accomplish something, but once I start writing...I do not want to stop. Interruptions are extremely frustrating. It takes a lot of effort for me to focus on one thing, so when I am in "the zone," distractions make me not so pretty. I've even chosen to not write for weeks at a time to avoid this scenario. I feel as if I am birthing my writing, yet being told to wait and hold on a minute. I don't know. Maybe I'm still in labor, and all the preparation I have done was only growth. Either way, keeping "it" in, is more painful than letting it out.

Learning to view interruptions as a much needed break, is the key. Passion's fire can easily lead to "burn-out." After a long writing stretch, my writing just isn't as crisp as it could be. Hopefully, I will be able to view interruptions as a sign that I need a break, or that the timing of a project isn't quite right. Acknowledging and accepting intrusions will most likely serve me, my writing, and others well. Now, I just have to remember that!

"To know and not do is not to know."

-Chinese Proverb 

Adding my work to my laundry list of "to do's" for the day...is a must. Making "writing" a daily "habit," should make the process an easier one. Determining whether to work on my book or my blogs will depend upon the day. Doing my best to stay in-the-moment - without worrying if my book will ever be published - or what people will think of my writing - will only make my writing more effective.

"Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right."

-Henry Ford

A happy life isn't just about being successful at work. My intention is to find a balance amongst work and play...myself and my children. Making this artistic venture of mine a priority, will be challenging at times. There will be days when everyone and everything comes first, and there I will learn flexibility and patience. There is a fine line between patience and persistence, procrastination and pushing forward too fast. 

Grateful for the life I have, I do not want to be in the same "boat" ten years from now. It feels as if my "career" window-of-opportunity is closing. Maybe I feel that an "out-of-the-box" job will somehow help me make up for my lost time within the working world. 
 

Very blessed, I am where I am and have what I have due to my choices, a hardworking husband, generous family members, and the grace of God. The day I can repay those who have helped me, will be a beautiful day! There is nothing I'd like more than to be a financially independent woman who can substantially contribute to her family's income and to our world.

"Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can."

-Arthur Ashe

At this time, what I can do, is do what I feel I am here to do...write to share... Hopefully, helping someone along the way. Many writers write about what they need to be reminded of - and I am no exception. The highest honor I could ever receive is that my message will reach someone at exactly the right moment, bringing "happy" tears to their eyes. A moment of hope, relief, or joy. Or, at the least, give others something to think about...

"I've come to believe that seeking happiness is not a frivolous pursuit. It's honorable and necessary. And most people forget even to think about it."

-Goldie Hawn

Nothing would make me happier than to live in a world where people felt well, listened to their hearts, and followed their dreams. If I am to teach this, I must live it. From inspiration...to preparation...to dedication...to action...to appreciation... What will make this dream of mine come true? Belief, imagination, lots of hard work, determination, right support (from the seen and the unseen), and "luck." Combining conventional and unconventional success strategies, until I reach my goals, will be my way.  

"You can't connect the dots looking forward...you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in the future. You have to trust in something...your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and has made all the difference in my life."    

-Steve Jobs

For now, I am a write-at-home mom...right at home...where my story begins...

"Be the change you wish to see in the world..."

-Gandhi

* Holding a high respect for women - mom or not - working or not - I am open to any and all advice that is willing to be shared. *